Every Family Law case involves a Conflict of Laws: there is the law made up of the provincial and federal statutes and case law, and then there is the law of the jungle.
You know… Tit for tat. Opening up the can of whoop-ass. Cross me and you’ll rue the day.
Maybe this is how your family conflict started and escalated to the point of a break-up. Maybe it just started when one of you decided you had had enough, had given in one too many times. Maybe you still feel like the only victim, but you’re thinking about changing that.
Retaliation feels good, momentarily, but it can undermine your lawyer’s ability to stand and criticize the other side. In an adversarial system like we have, the moral high ground is worth something. I see clients giving it up, constantly, for the hit of dopamine that comes from slapping back at their exes.
This is a mistake. You’re wasting your time and money, and if you have to co-parent with your ex, you are probably also soiling the bed you will have to sleep in for the next several years.
Once you get the legal system involved, you should be gearing up to bring your case in front of an impartial third party, a judge or arbitrator. Most people settle before Judgment Day, but the strength of your settlement position is the same as the strength of your court case.
Lawyers do it too. And it’s just as big a mistake. Judges may have trouble sorting out who is the real jerk: you or your lawyer.
I’m not saying you should tolerate abuse, in relations with your ex or in litigation. Don’t tolerate abuse. But choose which law you want to apply.
The law of the jungle is a race to the bottom. If you can’t get what you want, s/he won’t get what s/he wants. No one gets what they want.
The legal system is flawed and constipated, but it’s based on a slightly kinder reality: not everyone can have everything they want. The law, as it relates to families, will try to rectify gross imbalances of power, stop abuse, and in some cases punish abuse. You want the law on your side.
You hire a lawyer to advise and to fight back against abuse by calling it out, criticizing behaviours that are bad or unhelpful, standing firm, and applying to the appropriate authorities when necessary.
So it really comes down to this: you can criticize the other side or you can retaliate. If your ex can raise as many justified criticisms as you can, you may find that you no longer have the law on your side.